Post-Holiday

I didn't want to sleep last night because I knew that if I was still back here when I woke up, then it wasn't worth it. Coming back from a holiday to an isolated village in Scotland is destroying to say the least. No job, companionship, nor will to live life as it is to be lived. Just simply looking at the people in this house makes me sink. I did wake up, I do not recall the time. It must have been early because I have been up at around 10am for the last two weeks. I stared at my bedroom door, motionless, and I blinked over and over. I was still in Scotland. I re-positioned myself and I closed my eyes again. For a short few hours I slept until they opened again to The Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". Conveniently, the song that had been sung on karaoke a few times and just the reminder I needed to tell me I was no longer living the freedom of being out of Britain. I still lay there and stared at the walls in all their isolating glory. I did not want to move a muscle, nor say a word if I were to be back in my own bedroom again. This phase lasted for about an hour.

Eventually I raised myself up out of bed, but was not redeemed enough to go downstairs. Already, within 2 minutes of waking, I had less than absolutely nothing to occupy myself with. A hopelessness I hope never to run into again. A hopelessness worth remembering as to avoid it in the future. What I did instead was what I have done all my life. I sat cross-legged on my bed that I had just gotten out of, and I opened up my laptop and I checked my emails for people who did not want to know and did not care. Blank, expressionless and mundane. All I could think about was why I was not still on holiday.

But alas, I am almost completely regenerated into my old routine. My routine of compulsive email checking, forum browsing, alienation, and then writing about it all. That is all I do. I have just had a taste test on how to meet people. It was the best test I have ever taken part in, and now everyone is cordoned off with a large warning sign. It reads "May result in embarrassing situation".

Tomorrow I might try and gather all my songs together in one place and see just exactly how many I have written. What needs to be edited and what doesn't. Presumably nothing. I prefer to leave it as it was written- it was a whole truth then and it is a whole truth now.