Something New

I have, really, just the oddest degree of depression right now. It's not even a depression, I just can't stop thinking of death. Not suicide, but coming to terms with death. For the past 3 days or so all I can think about is when people might die. Why they might die, and how their life will mean nothing to humanity. My mum, my dad, me. All my dreams have just disbanded. I'm not even sad. I used to want to be in a band and become famous and take over the world. I used to want to be loved and adored. Now I understand the little importance of any of this. I don't get butterflies when I think of crowds cheering my name. All I think about now is how worthless all of this is. How worthless this dream is. Everybody dies, I could be Elvis Presley or I could be a beggar on the street. Either way, when I'm gone, I'm gone. This is a horrible new level of melancholy. A level I've never before experienced. I don't want a lover, I find no worth in friends. I feel no close bond with my mum, with my dad, with my siblings. My dad phoned me tonight and for the first time in my life I realised I knew nothing but wanted to know everything about this man. I miss him. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know how to function a relationship with anybody. I love my dad and the only chance I had of going over to New Zealand to see him, I chose to reject because I was deeply depressed and couldn't bear it. My parents are nearly 50. What if, when they die, I still don't have a close bond with them? How do I know when they will die and I will be left alone? And will I live my life in despair wishing I was able to feel connected to people?

I have never felt such despair about this world and humanity in my entire life. I have never cared so little about everyone and everything and this so-called "gift". I have never so much wanted to end the existance of everything, ever. All my life I've had niggling doubts that "I don't know what real depression feels like." and "You have no idea, you've had it easy."

Sometimes I try to come up with all the mental illnesses I think I have had in my life. I've never been to a doctor. I broke down in front of my mum and she suggested I see a psychologist and I said I didn't want to. I'm sick of keeping secrets, I have tons of them. I am willing to defend the notion that I am depressed by concluding that I simply do not care for a single entity or aspect of this world.